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Abusing PTSD: Snapshot

2015-05-15

Remember when I said my parents were the Dursleys, from Harry Potter? I wasn’t exaggerating.

They take CMU’s side and don’t see that there was anything to be upset about. Both parents and my younger brother constantly make comments about my “disability”–“oh, I forgot, she can’t because she has PTSD”, “oh look at this person on the news, their stickers got ripped, they’re so traumatized, they need a service dog”, “Mom, I can’t shower unless I have a service dog”. Mother regularly tries to prevent me from getting to my medical appointments, from hiding the keys to blocking the exits and refusing to give me parking money. Both parents have forced me to leave my service dog behind or into making up excuses for why I can’t go to some event. I know they trash me to the people at said events because everyone there has more concern than normally necessary when they see me next.

Everyone else knows what’s going on. They know about all of this. As is usual in this family, nothing is done because they either agree with it or refuse to intervene. If you do not acknowledge the problem, then there is no problem.

You see, my family don’t see why I would object to anything that CMU did because they treat me the same way CMU did, deliberately inflaming my PTSD. They treat me the same way that my harassers did. Still do. Worse, though, because at least my harassers were consistent about it and never pretended to care. I wasn’t dependent upon them for basic life necessities, for safety, for access to healthcare.

Here, my brother harasses my dog for a solid four minutes. It’d been going on long before that, but I didn’t get that on tape. Mother yells at him to shut up halfway through, but of course he starts right back up again. She doesn’t care unless it bothers her–she’s literally said “he’s not harassing it, that’s just how he plays with it”, and “it’s just a dog, it doesn’t matter how he acts with it, you treat that thing better than you treat us”. In that recording, you hear her say his behavior is “scaring her”, but then she turns right around and denies it’s any kind of problem when I say anything about it. Selfish bitch.

Just listen to this one. It needs no commentary. Their favorite comments to me are some version of “parasitic liberal whore”. They’re careful to avoid the actual words because that way they get to deny they said it. We’ll just ignore that they outright deny things anyhow.

Here, mother dearest and baby brother dig into me for being disabled, for having posted about my assault, and me personally. She outright denies the parasitic comments from the previous recording, she denies that she jumped merrily onto the bandwagon with dad when he made those comments. She attempts to claim that “she never said the words”–that’s abusive language for “I know I did it but I’m going to twist it in such a way that if you can’t exactly recall what happened, then you can’t accuse me of it and now you’re the asshole for making shit up”. Notice that she doesn’t say one word against my brother’s mouth until I start in on him the same way the two of them had been going at me for the past several minutes. That’s how this house operates: if you’re not constantly on the offensive, then you’ll be ridden over because you’re clearly allowing it. There is no such thing as common decency and respect here. Nothing is ever an innocent mistake, never a natural forgetful moment; it’s always a malicious calculation designed to cause the most harm as possible. Imagine a child growing up with that. As a five year old I was actually accused of deliberately playing my parents off against each other, because toddlers are absolutely capable of that kind of sophisticated planning. That’s how badly they view everyone else, even children.

The 911 call they’re talking about is when father suspended my cell service and hid the internet modem, the same day they yelled about my being a parasite and refusing to do any housework–again, because of their abuse and inability to behave civilly. Their favorite complaint is that I refuse to do the dishes: they forget that they literally breathe down my neck and scream at me that I’m doing them in the wrong order, doing them wrong in general, that I clearly can’t follow directions and don’t I realize that I have to follow directions no matter how idiotic I think they are because that’s how it is in the real world, “am I really going to fill out my taxes however I want just because I don’t like how they tell me to do them”–yes, they literally deny the difference in discretion between a high-level government form and the dishes in your personal house.

This is controlling behavior, expressed as several kinds of mental and emotional abuse.

Taking my cell and internet service meant that I had no access to my healthcare except through my parents; remember, they do not accept any of my diagnoses, my disability, and any of my needs. They’ve literally tried to prevent my access in any way they can. It’s hard enough to get access as it was, but losing my cell and internet meant that I would lose everything. No medical access except what they approved. That’s coercive control and several forms of domestic abuse.

Those are absolutely things that the police deal with. Don’t expect that abusers will ever tell you the truth. They will spew whatever filth they can to beat you down and keep their behavior hidden. You reaching out is the single threat that can undo them. That’s why it’s so dangerous to leave them, to talk about them. Most will kill you rather than risk you ruining their image.

Dearest parents play the victim blame game. They won’t accept that I’m disabled, and have been forcing me to apply for employment. Of course, they also don’t accept that i need a service dog, so when I constantly get rejected, that’s me deliberately sabotaging myself and me refusing to fill out apps in the first place. Throughout this whole recording, they make shit up and completely lie about what has been going on–everyone knows the Obamacare window wasn’t open until November, but you clearly hear a claim that “it was filed back in August”, and then at the same time it’s claimed that I never filled the thing out at all. Father had sat right there while he filled out the application because I’m not allowed to know any of the family’s tax info. He was right there as it spit out a receipt for medicaid, that I was to wait for them to contact me. This is December 22, just a few days after the window for registration had closed. Somehow they expect that you can’t register online but that the government WILL respond within three days of the window closing. This is how abusive people treat you.

They’re perfectly comfortable calling me irresponsible here. You’ve seen the house. I’d hope you’ve figured out that father doesn’t care to do anything about this bitch of a wife he has; I’m damn sure he doesn’t care to discipline his son, because he acts just like they do. That’s a lot of the reason they see nothing wrong with his behavior, why they encourage it. I’m not the one who spent untold tens of thousands hoarding shit into the house, that was mother. She’s the one who keeps buying clothes to pile into a master bedroom that’s a quarter of the top floor and filled with her trash. Say no word against that. She’ll throw a fit like a toddler denied dessert if you dare bring that up. She’ll claim that you’re not perfect either, that this is no different from you forgetting to put your dish in the sink.

You’ve heard all the trash they direct at me. Listen here as they deny it all, as they equate my calling my younger brother “disgusting” to everything they have done to me. Listen as they tell me to get out of the house. Listen as they take the one time I said that he was an asshole because of how he was allowed to treat my dog–this is called “being silly”, remember–listen as that’s equated to making fun of his psychosis, as his behavior is entirely put down to his psychosis. No psychosis makes you harass a dog, makes you be an asshole like this. That’s all his own personality, the same personality his parents have. Maybe they have psychosis too, then? No, they justify that because I’m “a whore”, and deserve it. They simply abdicate responsibility and parenting with the easy excuse of “it’s his psychosis” when they know absolutely nothing about it and don’t care to learn. Learning would mean they can’t excuse their behavior anymore.

You realize the double standard here with how he’s treated vs how they treat me. The kicker is that he constantly claims he’s treated like trash, that he isn’t loved. He and my parents will have a disgusting cry fest, then turn and treat me exactly as they were just claiming they don’t and shouldn’t treat him. They call it abhorrent to treat a child like that then turn around and happily do it to me.

Like I’ve said, abuse. Imagine growing up as a child under that.

Notice that they constantly refuse to acknowledge everything that happened with CMU. Notice that they take vicious digs at me every chance they get. Notice that they outright deny everything they’ve done, turning it back on me and accusing me of their viciousness. They accused me of that as a toddler, too. Classy people.

I am not to make decisions. Permission to buy food for my dog is not permission to buy food for my dog. Wasting $40/month is how things should be, because otherwise I’m making decisions and that contradicts their fascist control.

I must always ask for anything and everything–but don’t dare bring up or imply that they’ve ever denied me those “requests”; that’s improper and not my place to question the Almighty rulings. Never, never, never state that they’re incompetent or that they deliberately waste “precious resources”, or that they are unreliable. Never, never try to work around them. Never bring up problems, because that’s you twisting things around, you liberal cunt whore, it’s all your fault, you did this to yourself.

Never question when they bring up your trauma, over and over and over. Never. That’s a perfectly valid thing to do–for them. Never talk back, never get angry when they deliberately trigger you and use your “irrational response” to their threats as proof that you’re the crazy bitch.

You must inform them of anything and everything you do–despite the fact that this play-by-play is exactly what they bitch at my asshole brother for. Don’t make your own doctor’s appointments, you must clear that with them first, because you’re too stupid to read a calendar. Don’t help the neighbor with anything, because you’re a fucking lazy cunt and that puts a burden on them, because they won’t know where I am and what I’m doing and where I’m going.

Fun story: these assholes threw a fit when I tried to get my hair cut, because, quote, “taking that dog with you is stupid and unnecessary”.

Why don’t I get help? It’s god’s given right for them to treat me like this. Welcome to fundie town. Nobody sees anything wrong with this.

Crowning jewel of the collection: I have asked for them to stop being assholes. That’s my father speaking. Standard victim blaming, standard denial that there’s anything happening. Then he admits it goes on, still blames me, then blames my brother’s “psychosis”; it’s a wild ride. Listen to the whole thing and you’ll hear him flipflop so many times you’ll think I scripted this. He denies he abuses me as he says I’m extorting him for telling him I’ll seek help outside the family if their behavior doesn’t stop. He denies his wife’s and his son’s behavior in one breath, then says I’m the reason they act that way in the next. He denies his own while he’s doing it.

He won’t even let the spat lie without having the final word. Real mature. See if you can count how many times he tries to tell me I’m not allowed to be angry, while he gets nasty and yells himself. Listen as he denies that his fucking wife has any power over my medical access, as I sit next to the dog he’s threatened so many times you’ve already heard here.

Did you hear him equate my calling him an asshole to all the damage they’ve done to me? An insult against suicidal ideation. Lol. That’s a tactic called leveling the field. And that’s right after he’s yelled at me for “caring what other people think”, telling me to “just ignore it all”. The hypocrisy burns. There’s a whole lot of victim blaming in there too, claiming that I’m “in love with my victimhood” and that I’m inventing all this, that I’m the only reason I’m “ill”. That really there’s nothing wrong here, it’s me making shit up and twisting things for attention.

And they want to claim they’re not abusing me, that they’re not detrimental to my health. Did you catch the comment about the dance lessons at the end there? I’m supposed to have those for therapy reasons. Not getting those either. Lol.

Isn’t life fun?

I’ve got hundreds of these recordings.

How long do you think I have until I crack and kill myself? You don’t realize how easy it is until you need to stop the pain.

This is what CMU wrought. This is what happens to women when the system fails to help us.

It was on you to help, to stop the harassment, to expel the rapist, to exclude “that friend”. You didn’t. You absorbed them and became them.

It’s not “on us”. It’s on you. Look upon the work you’ve done and rejoice in your success.

I don’t know what’s going to happen after I publish this. You see what I live with. I’m already suicidal. The only thing I care about is my dog; you see how they’ve treated her. Hopefully they’re too stupid to find this, but some jackass here will probably shoot their mouth off and tell them anyway. You’ve seen what they’re capable of. If you don’t hear from me again, assume the worst.

2015/05/17: For comparison, what parenting ought to be.

2015/05/24: Why do people think that acting like this is acceptable? You all tell them it’s how they ought to.

“Trigger Happy Generation”, by Peggy Noonan, in Opinion, the Wall Street Journal, weekend edition of May 23-24, 2015.

This is but one of many similar articles on the same subject: PTSD is nothing but attention-seeking, the outgrowth of children who were given trophies and praised for merely showing up. Assholes like this spout their trash from respected pedestals to ignorant people who can’t know any better, and after hearing this will never learn any better. This is the damage you assholes do. You’re the people responsible for worsening my condition from what was manageable to completely crippling. You’re responsible for the treatment I get from my parents. Sincere thanks.

2015/06/03: About that 911 call where father tried to claim the cops told me off for calling in about their abuse? Yea, no. A friend called the cops on my parents and the cops took my side. My father made it all up that they said here to “yell at me for abusing 911 over trivial matters”. Domestic violence is a crime, and driving people to suicide isn’t any kind of ethical, let alone legal.

2015/07/21: Remember this part? “Hopefully they’re too stupid to find this, but some jackass here will probably shoot their mouth off and tell them anyway.” CMU took exception to my lack of silence, and ran their mouths. Things have gotten much worse.

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